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Giles: For God's sake be careful. I mean, uh, I appreciate your
efforts to keep the vampire population down until Buffy returns, but,
uh...Well, if anything should happen to you and...you should be killed,
I should take it somewhat amiss.
Willow: You'd be cranky?
Giles: Entirely.
Larry: It's all about egg whites. If we can focus, keep discipline, and not have quite as many mysterious deaths, Sunnydale is gonna rule!
Buffy (trying to get into the Family Home): You know, I just...I woke up, and I looked in the mirror, and I thought, hey, what's with all the sin? I need to change. I'm...I'm dirty. I'm, I'm bad with the...sex and the envy and that, that loud music us kids listen to nowadays. W...[sees that the guy isn't buying it] Oh, I just suck at undercover.
Ken: You've got guts. I think I'd like to slice you open and play with them.
Oz: Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings. Shindig: dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage. And hootenanny, well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny.
Giles: Unbelievable. "Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead!" Americans!
Cordelia: Time out, Xander. Put yourself in Buffy's shoes for just
a minute. Okay? I'm Buffy, freak of nature, right? Naturally I pick a
freak for a boyfriend, and then he turns into Mr. Killing Spree, which is
pretty much my fault...
Buffy: Cordy! Get outta my shoes!
Giles: Cordelia, it's me! It's me!
Cordelia: How do we know it's really you and not zombie Giles?
Giles: Cordelia, do stop being tiresome.
Cordelia: It's him.
Willow: Maybe we shouldn't be too couple-y around Buffy.
Cordelia: Oh, you mean 'cause of how the only guy that ever liked
her turned into a vicious killer and had to be put down like a dog?
Xander (admiringly): Can she cram complex issues into a
nutshell, or what?
Buffy: Look, I'm not trying to snare Scott Hope. I just want to get
my life back, you know, do normal stuff.
Willow: Like date?
Buffy: Well...all right, yes, date and shop and hang out and go to
school and save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do
girlie stuff!
Trick: Sunnydale. Town's got quaint. And the people? He called me "sir." Don't you just miss that? I mean, admittedly, it's not a haven for the brothers, you know, strictly the Caucasian Persuasion here in the Dale. But, you know, you just gotta stand up and salute their death rate. I ran a statistical analysis, and hello darkness. It makes...D.C. look...like Mayberry, and ain't nobody saying boo about it.
Buffy (to Principal Snyder): So let me get this
straight. I'm really back in school because the school board
overruled you. Wow. That's like having your whole ability to do
this job called into question, when you think about it.
Joyce: I think what my daughter's trying to say
is... [sing-song] Nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah, nyah.
Faith: Oh, it's boring. Way too stuffy for a guy like you.
Buffy: Um, maybe I should introduce you again. Faith, this is
Giles.
Faith: I see him. If I'd've known they came that young and
cute, I would've requested a transfer.
Buffy: Raise your hand if "ew." [raises her hand]
Giles: I'd-I'd say it was, um, fortuitous that Faith arrived when
she did.
Willow (shooting up her finger, speaking loudly): Aha!
[they all look at her.]
Willow: Sorry. I just meant...[shoots up her finger again]
[loudly] aha! There's big evil brewin'. You'll never be bored here,
Faith. 'Cause this is Sunnydale, home of the big brewin' evil.
Faith: Well, when I'm fighting, it's like the whole world goes away
and I only know one thing: that I'm gonna win and they're gonna lose. I
like that feelin'.
Buffy: Well, sure. Beats that dead feeling you get when they win
and you lose.
Giles: What you must realize, Buffy, is that you and Faith have
very different temperaments.
Buffy: Yeah, and mine's the sane one. The girl's not playing with a
full deck, Giles. She has almost no deck. She has a three.
Buffy: Giles, there are two things that I don't believe in: coincidence and leprechauns.
Buffy: Yeah. You're a real bad-ass when it comes to packing.
Buffy: Scream later! Escape now!
Beauty and the Beasts (aka All
Men Are Beasts)
Giles (smiling stiffly): It's good to see you. Um, no need
to panic.
Oz: Just a thought: poker: not your game.
Mr. Platt: Look, Buffy, any person—grown-up, shrink, pope—any person who claims to be totally sane is either lying or not very bright.
Scott (asking Buffy to the dance): But I'm in. I mean,
y'know, if you are. If you want to.
Buffy: Uh, sure... I do. Y'know, if you want to.
Scott: Well, I do if you want to.
Oz: The judges will accept that as a yes.
Cordelia (about the SATs): Actually, I'm looking forward to it. I do well on standardized tests. [everyone gives her a look] What? I can't have layers?
Willow (about the candy bars): You still have some left? I
went to, like, four houses, and they were gone. It's like
Trick-or-Treating in reverse.
Xander: I know. These things are selling like hot cakes...which is
ironic, 'cause the hot cakes really aren't moving...
Xander (making guilty conversation while playing footsie with
Willow): The band! Yeah. They're great. They march.
Willow: Like an army. Except...with music instead of bullets,
and...usually no one dies.
Buffy: Giles at sixteen? Less Together Guy, more Bad-Magic-Hates-the-World-Ticking-Time-Bomb Guy.
Buffy: Something's weird.
Oz: Something's not?
Gwendolyn: Faith, do you know who the Spartans were?
Faith: Wild stab: a bunch of guys from Spart?
Xander: Good old Sunnydale library. Fully equipped with reference books, file cards...[opens the cabinet doors] and weapons.
Willow (about her SAT scores): 740? Verbal?! I'm...I'm...[searches for a word]pathetic! Illiterate! I'm Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel.
Oz: I can see why you'd be upset. [Willow gives him a hurt
look] That was my sarcastic voice.
Xander: Y'know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice.
Oz: I've been told that.
Buffy: She saw these scores and her head spun around and
exploded.
Giles: I've been on the Hellmouth too long. That was metaphorical,
yes?
Joyce: It's just...you belong at a good old-fashioned college, with
keg parties and boys, not here with Hellmouths and vampires.
Buffy: Not really seeing the distinction.
Spike: She wouldn't even kill me. She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head, or set me on fire! I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared?
Spike (about Drusilla): I'm gonna do what I should've done in the first place. I'll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her...until she likes me again.
Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.
Xander: Mine is much more advanced.
Vamp Willow: This is the part that's less fun. When there isn't any screaming.
Buffy (about Anyanka): Why don't I just put a stake through
her heart?
Giles: She's not a vampire.
Buffy: Mm, well, you'd be surprised how many things that'll kill.
Daniel: You! You're not human.
Angelus: Not of late, no.
Buffy: What are you doing for Christmas?
Willow: Being Jewish. Remember people? Not everybody worships
Santa.
Later in the episode:
Xander: That's the Christmas spirit.
Willow: Hello? Still Jewish. Hanukkah spirit, I believe that was.
Willy: Well...I heard a few things, you know, from the
underground.
Xander: The underground?
Willy: Yeah, you know. From things that live under the ground.
Joyce: There we go.
Buffy: Nothing like a roaring fire to keep away the blistering
heat.
Joyce: Oh, come on. It's lovely. Maybe I should turn the air
conditioning on.
Buffy: Why don't you come in from the entire lack of cold?
Jenny/The First: Hmm. You think you can fight me? I'm not a demon,
little girl. I am something that you can't even conceive. The First
Evil. Beyond sin, beyond death. I am the thing the darkness fears. You'll
never see me, but I am everywhere. Every being, every thought, every drop
of hate.
Buffy (losing her patience): All right, I get it. You're
evil. Do we have to chat about it all day?
Jenny/The First: You have no idea what you're dealing with.
Buffy: Lemme guess. Is it...evil?
Joyce (to Buffy, who is fighting a vampire): Good, honey! Kill him!
"It was uh...Mrs Plum. In the library, with a ratchet. I really don't know what else I can tell you....The dead children? No, they didn't speak. Okay, well, enjoy your doughnuts." —Buffy, at the playground, to the cops. (in close-captioning, so no, you never heard it.)
Mrs. Rosenberg: Willow, you cut off your hair! Huh. That's a
new look.
Willow: Yeah, it's just a sudden whim I had...in August.
Buffy: Hey, is Willow around?
Xander: How can I convince you people that it's over? You assume
because I'm here, she's here. That I somehow mysteriously know where she
is.
Buffy: Those her books?
Xander: Yeah. She's in the bathroom.
Giles: They're confiscating my books.
Buffy: Giles, we need those books.
Giles: Believe me, I tried to tell that to the nice man with the
big gun.
Willow: Prince of Night, I summon you. Come fill me with your black, naughty evil.
Buffy: ...and maybe next time that the world is getting sucked into Hell, I won't be able to stop it because the Anti-Hell-Sucking Book isn't on the approved reading list!
Buffy: My mom...said some things to me about being the slayer. That it's fruitless. No fruit for Buffy.
Buffy: Like the kid in the story, the boy that stuck his finger
in the duck.
Angel: Dike. It's another word for dam.
Buffy: Oh, okay, that story makes a lot more sense now.
Giles (to the computer): Session interrupted? Who said
you could interrupt, you stupid, useless fad! No, I said fad and I'll say
it again!
Xander (walking in): At that point I will become frightened.
Giles: Uh, there is a fringe theory held by a few folklorists that
some regional stories have actual, um, very literal antecedents.
Buffy: And in some language that's English?
Oz: Fairy tales are real?
Giles: Of course! Well, it makes sense now.
Buffy: Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is
nowhere near this place.
Buffy: Mom, dead people are talking to you. Do the math!
Oz: Ice is cool. It's water, but it's not.
Angel (quietly): I saw you before you became the Slayer.
Buffy (confused): What?
Angel: I watched you, and I saw you called. It was a bright
afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the
steps...and...and I loved you.
Buffy: Why?
Angel: 'Cause I could see your heart. You held it before you for
everyone to see. And I worried that it would be bruised or torn. And more
than anything in my life I wanted to keep it safe...to warm it with my
own.
Buffy: That's beautiful. Or taken literally, incredibly gross.
Angel: I was just thinking that, too.
Buffy: Willow, you okay?
Willow: Yeah, I'm fine. Th-the shaking is, is a side effect of the
fear.
Buffy: Uh, what do we do with the trio here? Should we burn
them?
Willow: I brought marshmallows.
[everyone gives her a surprised look]
Willow (with dignity): Occasionally, I'm callous and
strange.
Buffy: Do you remember the demon that almost got out the night I
died?
Willow: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic
failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that
it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.
Faith: Nicely diverted, B!
Buffy: Diverted? That was me fighting for my life, Miss Attention
Span.
Faith: This isn't a Tupperware Party. It's a little hard to
plan.
Buffy: The count of three isn't a plan. It's Sesame Street.
Willow: Chemistry's easy. It's a lot like witchcraft, only less newt.
Buffy (to Giles, about Wesley): Is he evil?
Wesley (perplexed): Evil?
Buffy: The last one was evil.
Wesley: Oh, yes. Gwendolyn Post. We all heard. No. Mr. Giles has
checked my credentials rather thoroughly and phoned the Council, but I'm
glad to see you're on the ball as well. A good Slayer is a cautious
Slayer.
Buffy (to Giles): Is he evil?
Wesley: Are you not used to being given orders?
Buffy: Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says
"please." And afterwards I get a cookie.
Wesley (pointing accusingly): Ah. There you are.
Buffy: Ah. Speak of the really annoying person.
Trick: Why do they always gotta be using swords? It's called an Uzi, ya chump! Could have saved your ass right about now.
Wesley (watching Cordelia admiringly as she leaves): My. She
is cheeky, isn't she?
Faith: Uh, first word: jail; second word: bait.
Willow: I've been letting things fester. And I don't like it. I want to be fester-free.
Anya: For a thousand years I wielded the powers of The Wish. I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshipped across the mortal globe. And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High. Mortal. Child. And I'm flunking math.
Faith: You're gonna love it, B. It's just like fun, only boring.
Willow (sarcastically): Oh, right. Me and Oz play "Mistress
of Pain" every night.
Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
Buffy: Oh, yeah.
Giles: Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still-beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore.
Buffy (about Faith): The girl makes Godot look punctual.
Buffy (looking at the demon's address): I know this. It's
down by the bus station. Not the nicest part of town.
Giles: Again. See, no standards. I mean, any self-respecting demon
should be living in a pit of filth or a nice crypt.
Buffy: You're right. Faith would never do that.
Willow: Faith would totally do that. Faith was built to do
that. She's the do that girl.
Buffy: Comfort, remember comfort, here?
Willow: I mean, please, does Angel come up to Faith's standards for
a guy? Let's see, is he breathing?
Buffy: Actually, no.
Willow: Buffy, I too know the love of a taciturn man.
Mayor: But my question is, now that Faith has brought you back,
what are your intentions?
Angel: Well, gee, sir, I thought I'd find that Slayer that's given
you so much trouble and torture, maim, and kill her.
Mayor: Fine! You know it's nice to see you're not one of those
slacker types running around town today.
Xander (to Oz, regarding the intensity of the basketball
game): Yeah, for a minute there, I thought you were gonna make an
expression.
Oz: Well, I felt one coming on, I won't lie.
Buffy: Is this the thing? The aspect thing? Because I gotta say, if
it is, it is way better than a tail. I mean, I have a hard enough time
finding jeans that fit right.
Giles: Buffy, slow down. I'm not even convinced that this is
genuine mind reading. You're most likely projecting your—
Buffy: When I walked in a few minutes ago, you thought "Look at her
shoes. If a fashion magazine told her to, she'd wear cats strapped to her
feet."
Xander: See, I've been saying for years that the lunch lady's gonna do us all in with that Mulligan Stew. I mean, what the hell's a Mulligan?
Buffy: You know what? I was wrong. You are an idiot. My life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it. Sometimes more than I can handle. And it's not just mine. Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're too busy with their own.
Willow: So you're feeling better about Angel?
Buffy: Well, we talked, and then he ripped out the heart of a demon
and fed it to me, and then we talked some more.
Willow: See! That's how it should work!
Buffy (to Giles): Sure, we can work out after school. You
know, if you're not too busy having sex with my mother!
Giles (walking into a tree): Ungh!
Buffy: You! I mean, I can't believe you got into Oxford!
Willow: It's pretty exciting.
Oz: That's some deep academia there.
Buffy: That's where they make Gileses!
Willow: I know. I could learn, and have scones.
Xander: We bohemian anti-establishment types have always been
persecuted.
Oz: Well, sure, you're all so weird.
Willow (to the vampire guarding her): Hey! Did you get permission to eat the hostage? I don't think so.
Mayor: She's pretty, Angel. A little skinny. Still don't understand
why it couldn't work out with you and my Faith. Guess you kinda just
have strange taste in women.
Angel: Yeah, well, what can I say? I like 'em sane.
Willow: So Faith was like, "I'm gonna beat you up," and I'm all, "I'm not afraid of you." And then she had the knife, which was less fun.
Anya: You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millenium of
treachery and oppression from the males of the species and I have nothing
but
contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
Xander: Then why you talking to me?
Anya (averting her eyes): I don't have a date for the
prom.
Xander: Well gosh. I wonder why not. It couldn't possibly have
anything to do with your sales pitch?
Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me?
Xander: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know
which.
Buffy: So it was blue and sorta short.
Willow: Not too short, medium. And it had this weird, sorta fringey
stuff on its arms.
Giles (walking in): What's that, a demon?
Buffy: A prom dress that Will was thinking of getting. Can't you
ever get your mind out of the Hellmouth?
Buffy (to Willow): We'll get you a dress. You know, we
should check April Fools.
Cordelia: Don't go there! I shop there.
Xander: I myself am dipping into my road trip fund to procure a
shiny new tux, so look for me to dazzle.
Giles: And I myself will be wearing pink taffeta as chenille would
not go with my complexion. Can we please talk about the Ascension?
Buffy: Will, it's okay. You don't have to make him the bad guy.
Willow: But that's the best friend's job, vilifying and grousing.
Xander: How's it going over there, Buff?
Buffy: Fine.
Xander: Well, I just wanted to say that your impersonation of an
inanimate object is really coming along.
Buffy: No! You guys are going to have a prom. The kind of prom that
everyone should have. I'm going to give you all a nice, fun, normal
evening if I
have to kill every single person on the face of the earth to do it.
Xander: Yay?
Giles (regarding Buffy's break-up with Angel): I understand
this sort of thing requires ice cream of some kind.
Buffy: The great thing about being a Slayer, kicking ass is comfort food.
Giles (to Wesley, regarding Cordelia): For God's sake, man, she's eighteen. And you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. Just have at it, would you? And stop fluttering about.
Willow (smiling fondly): Oh, I'm gonna miss her.
Buffy: Don't you hate her?
Willow (still smiling): Yes, with a fiery vengeance. She
picked on me for ten years, the vacuous tramp.
Percy (to Willow): Hey, listen. Thank you. I mean, for helping me. Being so patient. And also, for not kicking my ass like you did in the Bronze.
Xander (to Anya): Yes. Men like sports. Men watch the action movie. They eat of the beef and enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs and that's all you've learned?
Giles: Faith has you at a disadvantage, Buffy.
Buffy: 'Cause I'm not crazy or 'cause I don't kill people?
Giles: Both, actually.
Anya: I've seen some horrible things in my time. I've been the cause of most of them, actually, but this...
Buffy: Great. So all we need is a million tons of burning lava. We're saved.
"We don't knock during dark rituals?" —the Mayor, to the vamp underling who's barged in to say there's trouble at Faith's.
Xander: Here's your cup of coffee. Brewed from the finest Colombian
lighter fluid.
Giles: Thank you. [takes a sip] Horrible. [takes another
sip]
Xander: Aren't you supposed to be drinking tea anyway?
Giles: Tea is soothing. I wish to be tense.
Cordelia: I personally don't think it's impossible to come up with
a crazier plan.
Oz: We attack the Mayor with hummus.
Cordelia: I stand corrected.
Buffy: Faith told me to play on his human weakness.
Willow: Faith told you? Was that before or after you put her into a
coma?
Buffy: After.
Willow: Oh.
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