The Unauthorized Biography of Jih-Fang Yang

by Alla Brukman

Someone had to document the seamier side of the life of Jenny Yang - she would never do it on her own page. Since I have been in a very good position to observe her (I lived across the hall from her in Parrish during our freshman year and actually resided in the same room with her in Willets sophomore year), I was obviously the best person for the job. The following are some of the incidents gathered through hours of perilous observation.

Ramblings of a diseased mind!

If there's one thing you notice after living in Jenny's proximity for any length of time, it's that she does most of her paper writing late at night. Usually the night before the paper is due. Or several days after the paper is due. (No, she's not a bad student. It's just that she has "issues" with writing. But have no fear - she's working on resolving those issues.) Anyway. When you sit in front of the computer during the wee hours of the night, the brain eventually shuts down. But not before the neurons spew out some random information in a final burst of electrical activity. The following two excerpts were found on Jenny's monitor the mornings after her marathon paper-writing sessions. She swears she has no recollection of typing these words. The first one is part of a paper composed for a Chinese literature class.

"It is only appropriate that the hall that spoke about political issues. Also that the moon of thirty years ago is not yet ended. Connate: Go party hartee at Fairmount park in philly on the 16 or somethig...I gotstah...figur that one out."

There are several interesting things to note about this passage. First, notice how the first two sentences have some semblance of academic writing. Then, the spelling and meaning gradually deteriorate. Another interesting point is that "connate" can't be found in any dictionary. The next excerpt is from an education paper.

"Is this simulation true to life? What are the "laws" that govern both the North High school community and the U.S. Government? There were only ---- came from Cherry Hill, New Jersey."

Hmm, I come from Cherry Hill, New Jersey. Coincidence, or some deeper, darker reason for those words being featured in Jenny's writing? We shall never know...

Incredible coincidences!

So there's an annual tradition at Swarthmore where people set up their roommates or friends with blind dates for the "Screw Your Roommate" formal. The persons being set up usually don't find out who their date is until dinner on the day of the dance. During that dinner, Sharples is filled with a mob of Swatties milling around and performing esoteric rituals in order to find their date. "Screw Your Roommate", or "Screw" for short, is the only thing everyone talks about for weeks before the event. And Parrish 4th East during the spring of 1997 was no exception. During one of these marathon discussions about who was being matched up with whom, Dila Cil brought out a new box of "Turkish Delight" desserts. Jenny took one and put it in her mouth. Now keep in mind, this is a new box, from some factory in Turkey that probably produces thousands of boxes per day, there are about a hundred desserts in the box, and what do you think Jenny found in her Delight? A SCREW! Does this coincidence of cosmic proportions indicate that Jenny Yang is the Chosen One? Or does it imply that screws in Turkish dessert factories aren't very well screwed in? A question to ponder...

updated on April 16, 1999
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