january 30

much of my last few days, or week, has been spent with greg. i seem to write about him alot, perhaps because he is the source of a great amount of thought and action, but trying to describe him is not something i want to undertake... nor anyone else for that matter. let is suffice to say that i enjoy my time with him, and this time is often crazy.

it is hard to listen to your own inner voices when you are caught in a torent of music or alcohol or laughter, and the desire to live what seems to be the fullest way possible can overwhelm the whispers of reason. a friend pointed out to me that i have a hard time saying no to greg, if only because he can be very persuasive. the other night, after going out for a late night deny's run on little sleep for the past few days, i took to raging for a minute or two... i was angry at myself for not getting work done, not sleeping enough, and not being able to rip myself away from greg when i needed to. it was he, tho, who later provided me with an answer of sorts, in the form of a quote from the Bodhidharma in "The Mind of Clover" -

"self-nature is subtle and mysterious. in the realm of the selfless dharma, not contriving reality for the self is called the Precept of Not Indulging in Anger."

you must listen to yourself. it is when you don't realize your own nature that you cuase yourself pain. if you are tired, you can ignore it and pass out later, or you can do something about it and go to sleep. don't get me wrong... often my nature says "fuck it, stay up and have fun." i'm loving this term, i'm lovin life, my weekend started on thursday. it's not all craziness, it's often relaxing and quiet, and a balance is being struck. it's saturday and i'm writing this and the hallway is silent except for the dire straits drifting back to me, and all in all i feel pretty strong, confident for perhaps the first time in a long time. so i'll stop writting about it now and go live it.