february 10

last night at about 4am i took down the link from my main page to my journal.

my reason for being up that early is the outcome of a string of events... an email that told me i was a bad person, my seeking out the help of a friend, him taking me outside in the freezing cold to explore our understanding of the world. i can never recount the conversation, nor the way it showed important things to me. all i can really write are some points that rang the right way.. things that i needed to here, things i'd always known but never heard outside my own head... that we never really know what we're doing... we forget things, we think we know more than we do... we are all assholes, we really are, and we are also all noble... true understanding is knowing you don't know... we are always moving, always changing... thank goodness for beautiful moments.

before i went to bed i took the link down. i thought that perhaps writting was not really helping, or, perhaps my entries were stiffled by fear of friends reading them, so they weren't as effective as they could be.

tonight i put the link back up.

part because i knew, when i lay down last night, that i had to keep telling my stories, even if they are select. it is part of my journey. i also put it up because i got an email from another friend, telling me about her experience reading my page. how, by writting, i give other people out there who are looking to be understood, a chance to read about someone going thru the same thing, and take away some of the loneliness. it may sound cliche, but just because it's cliche doesn't mean it's true.

today: i am holding on to a moment of inner peace. i know it can not last - things change as we move, but i can enjoy it and learn from it while it is here. i've come to a certain understanding, that nobody really knows what they're doing. it's been a beautiful fuckin day.