may 2

there was some crazy wierd energy flowing around my life the last few days. (i always feel flakey when i talk about things that way... "energy"... but it's how i think of it.)

the end of classes for everyone, end of college for some...

alumni weekend at my highschool, and i see oliver for only a little while. an old friend has a son, and ben runs around with him (he'd make a good father, amanda says.)... my old hangout spot - the computer lab fishbowl - is walled in, no longer a big octagon of thick glass... but the building smells the same, dusty carpet i think.

my parents both sit with me at an objectionable musical. i wonder if they are compfortable together, and mom says they've been divorced for ten years, they're fine. i hope so... i want them both at my 21st birthday.

amanda and i finally get to spend some time together. we go to see a few points of the ultimate frisbee regionals near princeton. we drive around in the warm spring air listening to the radio down rt. 206 and things feel right and good. we cruise. we also talk honestly over pizza at tj's. it will be nice to see her this summer, the first summer in three years that i'll be around home for more than a few days.

when i get home there are six messages from sandy on my machine. he might be at a party, but i call and he's home, no car, flemington bound. so i run on over, and we wander... where we're going doesn't matter for a while... we're glad to be together. we end up going to the giant supermarket with four dollars. we goof around in the stacks of late night re-stocking towers in the aisles. get cheapo drinks and apple struddel and eat them dangling our legs over the railroad ties over the canal. our confidence in our ballance is the only thing that keeps us from swaying to far and falling into the must be cold water. by the end of the night i feel cleared again. necessary for the coming week of hard work.

in the car back to swat i think
i'm looking for sincerity
like satomi myodo
in the parking lot before i left
i said to myself i want my summer to be about acceptance
these things float in my head
good ideas if i can do it