may 5

in the haze of my sleeping late tossing and drifting into consciousness thought, i pondered a scene... there was a girl yesterday, sitting on the floor of an art studio, working on a painting. i was returning an eisle and i caught sight of her through the doorway. i spent a moment looking at the colors she was leaning over, watching her for a second. after i set down the eisle and was about to go, i took one last look. she looked up at me, caught me watching her and i lingered for just a bit more than a second, but not much longer, both of our heads cocked to one side, her eyes serene and very present. normally i would smile, to be nice, to express my joy and amusement, but i just left my lips how they were. this was beautiful... it deserved more than a simple smile.

as i lay in bed, i pictured myself, instead of leaving, going up to her. saying i liked what she was working on, that i thought she was beautiful, that i would like to get to know her. i realized, as i was waking, that this me would have to be more mature... more sure of himself, less manic and silly, not as horny, not as aloof.

the hall was empty and i wandered into the bathroom, still unattached to the world. i gazed out the small window, thinking to myself how nice it was to be alone and quiet for a little while. this me that i had seen, was something i could be, was something i was already starting to be.

i told this all to jessica, and she said that part of it was confidence... i said i needed to be more settled. some people exude confidence... how do you manufacture that? what are the steps up to it? in some ways i am safe where i am, complacent, but not convinced. it'd be nice to understand the parts of people that they can't control, or don't try to do... the things that they themselves don't understand.