28/02/96

I am so fucking tired.

Tired of all this shit. Tired of smiling all the time.
Some people have people seek them out. People come to them when they want or need some thing. Nobody ever comes to me. Maybe I'm just not a good friend, maybe that's just the way I am. People complain too fucking much. I seek people out, not to complain to or to get help from, but just to be with. I can't do that any more though. It makes me feel like shit after awhile. I don't know any other way to interact though, so may I'll just stop. Very realistic. I just hate acting all the time.
I have been in a very good stage lately, but I felt it precariously close to an edge.

I think I just fell over that edge, and into a rut.

I am tired of crushes that go nowhere. Not that I really want/should be in a relationship right now, but I want something if even a friend. I want

My-Secret-Agent-Lover-Man!

No, I don't know. I don't know what's missing right now, but something is definately missing. And I know that I need to be okay on my own, independant . . .blah blah blah. And I don't want to substitute that missing piece with a guy, but ideally that wouldn't be a problem because the relationship with be such that I would not be living under any dillusions, you know what I mean.
It's just that nothing is HAPPENING these days. It never works out with anybody I like. It's quite possible that the guys didn't know that I liked them, but I thought I was pretty obvious about it. Or at least friendly, and if they were interested at all there would have been a little something detected. Maybe? Well, let's just say that I should probably work on my courage, but I really don't want to mess up any friendships.
I am tired of being called a flake and a flit. I am always jumping from person to person, appearing way too over happy. But it's not me. I don't know where I am. I am inside somewhere cringing at the world. I hate what people say to me. I hate how people interact with me. I have a precious few that I cherish, but the numbers I can count on my hand of those who really understand. It's that way for everyone though, I suppose.
I hate it when people only talk about themselves and complain. That's what I do here. You have to deal somehow though, and this is so cathartic.
I don't know. I slept on my floor for six hours this afternoon.
I just don't want to get up tomorrow and do the whole act all over again. But I can't stop, it's all there is.