WHEN a man gives himself up to the government of a
ruling passion,-or, in other words, when his HOBBY-HORSE
grows headstrong,-farewell
cool reason and fair
discretion !
My uncle Toby's wound was near well, and as soon as the
surgeon recovered his surprise, and could get leave to say as
much-he told him,'twas just beginning to incarnate; and
that if no fresh exfoliation happened, which there was no
signs of,-it would be dried up in five or six weeks. The
sound of as many olympiads twelve hours before, would
have conveyed an idea of shorter duration to my uncle
Toby's mind.-The succession of his ideas was now rapid,
-he broiled with impatience to put his design in execution;
-and so, without consulting further with any soul
living,-which, by the bye, I think is right, when you are
predetermined to take no one soul's advice, - he privately
ordered Trim, his man, to pack up a bundle of lint and
dressings, and hire a chariot and four to be at the door
exactly by twelve o'clock that day, when he knew my father
would be upon 'Change. - So leaving a banknote upon the
table for the surgeon's care of him, and a letter of tender
thanks for his brother's,-he packed up his maps, his books
of fortification, his instruments, &c.-and, by the help of a
crutch on one side, and Trim on the other,-my uncle
Toby embarked for Shandy Hall.
The reason, or rather the rise of this sudden demigration
was as follows:
The table in my uncle Toby's room, and at which, the
night before this change happened, he was sitting with his
maps, &c. about him,-ing somewhat of the smallest, for
that infinity of great and small instruments of knowledge
which usually lay crowded upon it;-he had the accident, in
reaching over for his tobacco-box, to throw down his com-
passes, and in stooping to take the compasses up, with his
sleeve he threw down his case of instruments and snuffers;-
and as the dice took a run against him, in his endeavouring
to catch the snuffers in falling,-he thrust Monsieur
Blondel off the table and Count de Pagan o' top of him.
'Twas to no purpose for a man, lame as my uncle Toby
was, to think of redressing these evils by himself,-he rung
his bell for his man Trim;-Trim, quoth my uncle Toby,
prithee see what confusion I have here been making.-I
must have some better contrivance, Trim, - Can'st not
thou take my rule and measure the length and breadth of
this table, and then go and bespeak me one as, big again?
-Yes, an' please your honour, replied Trim, making a
bow;-but I hope your honour will be soon well enough
to get down to your country-seat, where,-as your honour
takes so much pleasure in fortification, we could manage
this matter to a T.
I must here inform you, that this servant of my uncle
Toby's, who went by the name of Trim, had been a corporal
in my uncle's own company,-his real name was James
Butler,-but having got the nick-name of Trim in the regi-
ment, my uncle Toby, unless when he happened to be very
angry with him, would never call him by any other name.
The poor fellow had been disabled for the service, by a
wound on his left knee by a musket-bullet, at the battle of
Landen, which was two years before the affair of Namur;-
and as the fellow was well beloved in the regiment, and a
handy fellow into the bargain, my uncle Toby took him for
his servant, and of excellent use was he, attending my uncle
Toby in the camp and in his quarters as valet, groom,
barber, cook, sempster, and nurse; and indeed, from first to
last, waited upon him and served him with great fidelity
and affection.
My uncle Toby loved the man in return, and what
attached him more to him still, was the similitude of their
knowledge: -For Corporal Trim, (for so, for the future,
I shall call him) by four years' occasional attention to his
Master's discourse upon fortified towns, and the advantage
of prying and peeping continually into his Master's plans,
&c. exclusive and besides what he gained HOBBY-
HORSICALLY, as a body-servant, Non Hobby-Horsical
per
se;-had become no mean proficient in the science; and
was thought, by the cook and chambermaid, to know as
much of the nature of strong-holds as my uncle Toby
himself.
I have but one more stroke to give to finish Corporal
Trim's character, - and it is the only dark line in it.-The
fellow loved to advise,-or rather to hear himself talk; his
carriage, however, was so perfectly respectful, 'twas easy to
keep him silent when you had him so; but set his tongue
a-going,-you had no hold of him;-he was voluble;-the
eternal interlardings of your honour, with the respectful-
ness of Corporal Trim's manner, interceding so strong in
behalf of his elocution,-that though you might have been
incommoded,-you could not well be angry. My uncle
Toby was seldom either the one or
the other with him,or,
at least, this fault, in Trim, broke no squares with 'em. My
uncle Toby, as I said, loved the man;
and besides, as he
ever looked upon a faithful servant, but as a humble friend,
-be could not bear to stop his mouth. -Such was Corporal
Trim.
If I durst presume, continued Trim, to give your honour
my advice, and speak my opinion in this matter.-Thou art
welcome, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby-speak,-speak
what thou thinkest upon the subject, man, without fear.
Why then, replied Trim, (not hanging his ears and scratch-
ing his head like a country lout, but) stroking his hair back
from his forehead, and standing erect as before his division.
-I think, quoth Trim, advancing his left, which was his
lame leg, a little forwards,-and pointing with his right
hand open towards a map of Dunkirk, which was pinned
against the hangings,-l think, quoth Corporal Trim,
with humble submission to your honour's better judgement,
-that these ravelins, bastions, curtins, and hornworks,
make but a poor, contemptible, fiddle-faddle piece of work of
it here upon paper, compared to what your honour and I
could make of it were we in the country by ourselves, and
had but a rood, or a rood and a half of ground to do what
we pleased with: As summer is coming on, continued Trim,
your honour might sit out of doors, and give me the
nography-(Call it ichnography, quoth my uncle) - of the
town or citadel, your honour was pleased to sit down before,
-and I will be shot by your honour upon the glacis of it,
if I did not fortify it to your honour's mind.--I dare say
thou would'st, Trim, quoth my uncle.-For if your honour,
continued the corporal, could but mark me the polygon,
with its exact lines and angles.-That I could do very well,
quoth my uncle.-I would begin with the fosse, and if your
honour could tell me the proper depth and breadth,-I can
to a hair's breadth, Trim, replied my uncle,-I would throw
out the earth upon this hand towards the town for the scarp,
-and on that hand towards the campaign for the counter-
scarp.-Very right, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby.-And
when I had sloped them to your mind,-an' please your
honour, I would face the glacis, as the finest fortifications
are done in Flanders, with sods, - and as your honour
knows they should be,-and I would make the walls and
parapets with sods too;-The best engineers call them
gazons, Trim, said my uncle Toby;-Whether they are
gazons or sods, is not much matter, replied Trim, your
honour knows they are ten times beyond a facing either of
brick or stone;-l know they are, Trim, in some respects,
-quoth my uncle Toby, nodding his head;-for a cannon-
ball enters into the gazon right onwards, without bringing
any rubbish down with it, which might fill the fossé (as was
the case at St Nicolas's gate) and facilitate the passage
over it.
Your honour understands these matters, replied Corporal
Trim, better than any officer in his Majesty's service;-but
would your honour please to let the bespeaking of the table
alone, and let us but go into the country, I would work under
your honour;'s directions like a horse, and make fortifica-
tions for you something like a tansy, with all their batteries,
saps, ditches, and palisadoes, that it should be worth all the
world's riding twenty miles to go and see it.
My uncle Toby blushed as red as scarlet as Trim went
on;-but it was not a blush of guilt,-of modesty,-Or of
anger;-it was a blush of joy;-he was fired with Corporal
Trim's project and description.-Trim! said my uncle
Toby, thou hast said enough.-We might begin the cam-
paign, continued Trim, on the very day that his Majesty
and the Allies take the field, and demolish them town by
town as fast as-Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, say no more.
-Your honour, continued Trim, might sit in your arm-
chair (pointing to it) this fine weather, giving me your
orders, and I would-Say no more, Trim, quoth my uncle
Toby.-Besides, your honour would get not only pleasure
and good pastime,-but good air, and good exercise, and
good health,-and your honour's wound would be well in
a month. Thou hast said enough, Trim,-quoth my uncle
Toby (putting his hand into his breeches-pocket)-I like
thy project mightily;-And if your honour pleases, I'll, this
moment, go and buy a pioneer's spade to take down with
us, and I'll bespeak a shovel and a pick-ax, and a couple
of-Say no more, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, leaping up
upon one leg, quite overcome with rapture,-and thrusting
a guinea into Trim's hand,-Trim, said my uncle Toby, say
no more;-but go down, Trim, this moment, my lad, and
bring up my supper this instant.
Trim ran down and brought up his master's supper,
to no purpose: -Trim's plan of operation ran so in my uncle
Toby's head, he could not taste it.-Trim, quoth my uncle
Toby, get me to bed;-'twas all one.-Corporal Trim's
description had fired his imagination,-my uncle Toby could
not shut his eyes.-The more he considered it, the more
bewitching the scene appeared to him;-so that, two full
hours before daylight, he had come to a final determination,
and had concerted the whole plan of his and Corporal Trim's
decampment.
My uncle Toby had a little neat country-house of his own,
in the village where my father's estate lay at Shandy, which
had been left him by an old uncle, with a small estate of
about one hundred pounds a year. Behind this house, and
contiguous to it, was a kitchen-garden of about half an acre;
-and at the bottom of the garden, and cut off from it by
a tall yew hedge, was a bowling-green, containing just about
as much ground as Corporal Trim wished for;-so that as
Trim uttered the words, 'A rood and a half of ground to do
what they would with:!-this identical bowling-green in-
stantly presented itself, and became curiously painted, all at
once, upon the retina of my uncle Toby's fancy;-which
was the physical cause of making him change colour, or at
least, of heightening his blush to that immoderate degree
I spoke of.
Never did lover post down to a beloved mistress with
more heat and expectation, than my uncle Toby did, to
enjoy this self-same thing in private;-I say in private--
for it was sheltered from the house, as I told you, by a tau
yew hedge, and was covered on the other three sides, from
mortal sight, by rough holly and thick-set flowering shrubs;
-so that the idea of not being seen, did not a little contri-
bute to the idea of pleasure pre-conceived in my uncle Toby's
mind.-Vain thought I however thick it was planted about,
or private soever it might seem,-to think, dear uncle
Toby, of enjoying a thing which took up a whole rood and
a half of ground,-and not have it known!
How my uncle Toby and Corporal Trim managed this
matter,-with the history of their campaigns, which were
no way barren of events,-may make no uninteresting
under-plot in the epitasis and working-up of this drama.
-At present the scene must drop,-and change for the
parlour fire-side.