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I long to be fully in my body and breathe in the light and love that sustain the beauty of my own flower. Stretching the boundaries, I am safe.
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This morning I woke up and noticed that my hands felt unusually warm. Then I realized that I had a new sensitivity to my touch. My circulation seemed especially strong and flowing in my whole body, head to toe. My mind felt focused and clear, keeping me in the present moment.When I went on the morning walk with Lizbeth, Hiroko and Susan, I felt much more relaxed than usual. The air smelled particularly fresh and rich this morning, still moist from last night's rain. The half hour of meditation in the sanctuary seemed to go by quite quickly, and it wasn't hard to stay concentrated on my breathing.
It's 10:40am now, and I still feel this new level of sensitivity. I don't really understand what changed to allow me to have this experience, but I'm grateful. I hope to not get attached, since I acknowledge that everything is impermanent. I'll go with the flow. Right now I feel centered and grounded.
I'm looking forward to my TP weekend, which actually starts today at 2pm. It will be our fifth gathering. I have already gotten so much out of the program. I set my intention to feel the true safety and security of my own self and body, to speak my truth, to open my heart to our group's energy, and to surrender to the natural flow of divine light.
stretching out on the grass
when i lie in my bed
last night i slid through the water,
right now i pray for the truth.
circulate
i have no telephone number, no car, no income, no intimate relationship.
I know i create this reality. i'm responsible for this apathy.
standing in the walk-in fridge, expecting fulfillment.
in this state everything feels stale and unstimulating.
from my current perspective, i am alone.
so how do i reach out and connect with other people?
that's all i feel like writing right now.
Last night I ate half a pint of Ben & Jerry's ("Entangled Mints" -- two flavors with chocolate and mint and fudge chunks and cookies). Before going to bed I felt sad. I started to read Jalaja's book, Aphrodite's Daughters, but then I stopped because I realized that I didn't feel very present. Who am I? I thought. So I dropped the book and breathed, listening to myself. God is at my core? So what the fuck are these thoughts going through my head?
I saw how many things can distract me from being still with myself. There are many enticing temptations that will pull me away from my inner state of being. Lying in bed last night, I remembered the pink rose that got planted in my heart in July 1999.
Jose Rosa gave it to me,
reminding me to stay focused on one of the core goals:
developing a true relationship with my higher self.
After dinner I got hot and sweaty
dancing upstairs with folks from the TP 2, 4 & 5 groups.
We shook our booties to motown, salsa and the Eagles.
I felt waves of gratitude that I am so comfortable with these people,
being included in their circle of support. At several points while dancing,
I got to observe the pulsating charge of my second chakra. I found it
challenging to stay connected with the sexual energy and stay totally
comfortable in my heart at the same time. Eye contact with the guys brought
my attention to the tightness in my own face. Laughing. Primal energy. A
game. I was still wearing my PJs (my flannel polar bear pants and a t-shirt).
No underwear, no bra. I felt loose and slightly exposed.
Yet my feet were
still keeping me grounded, my core stability in firm faith from last night's
work in Maryland.
My sexual energy feels freed up after yesterday afternoon. I had a new
experience that took me to a new level of honesty. I got to expose myself
in a tender, safe situation, staying very present in the moment.
I felt waves of fear, excitement, trust, love, curiosity, tightness,
relaxation, vulnerability, closeness. My heart was accessible. I could
tell that I was turned on, but it felt distant and separate from me. Down
there, not here. (My fingers verified it, finding swollen wetness.)
I finally got to drop the manipulation, the masks, the power play, the
"shoulds." I felt real, I felt beautiful. It was a new look at the truth
of the Divine.
I pray to RECEIVE my strength to take full responsibility for myself,
my emotions, and my actions.
Right now I already feel contracted. The shift of energy here at
the Center
happens so abruptly at the end of workshops when everyone leaves. The place
is full of life, voices, familiar faces, laughter, music, and love; then within
an hour or two after the last lunch, it all drizzles away as everyone packs up
their stuff and drives back out into the "real world." Silence permeates.
my morning meditation was a challenge today. thoughts kept pulling me away
from my breath. after breakfast i ended up taking a long nap, falling into a
deep and
unexpected sleep. then rip woke me up and we drove to alex & gretchen's piece
of land. it was my first look. i ate rosehips and persimmons,
jumped over creeks,
found rocks with peachy veins, met a black cat named longtail, scoped out
future sledding sites, and hiked around the hills there. it reminded me of
being a kid, when i used to be outside more than inside. these days walls
are around me the majority of the time, which feels odd, considering where i
now live.
driving back from orange with rip, i felt frustration. i was pissed off that
so many people don't know god and stay asleep.
i felt resentful for having to be in a human form,
when really i wanted to go back to a more familiar realm. fuck separation.
yet i laughed at
myself at the same time, acknowledging the total honor of this incarnation.
i think i'm learning to see that the divine is actually right here on earth.
as much as i crave the astral, those same elements of truth and light are
always in the here and now. my problem is i don't always believe it 100%...
i set my intention on transformation, not transcendence. i choose life,
not death.
today the weather feels like spring.
i take a deep breath outside.
the air reminds me of california,
with a warm breeze that smells like salty water.
i see bright light squiggles
against the blue sky and puffy clouds.
are the tiny bursts of moving dots in my eyeballs
or part of the auric field above me?
i feel like an eel
nestled into a sushi roll.
a protective sheet of nori stretches around the outside;
warm sticky rice presses against my skin,
filling all my gaps.
letting my body wrap around another body.
feeling, stroking, sucking, breathing, floating.
the truth is inside me,
and outside of me.
i don't really know where the boundaries are.
please protect me, god.
a spiral descending
getting heavier and heavier
i feel empty
and i can't remember who i am
sugar clouds my vision
and drugs me out
mercury just went into retrograde yesterday.
i spent the weekend curled up in bed,
my pelvic area in tight contraction (menstruation).
i use sleep to escape.
in this moment, i can't find much meaning in life.
what is this all about again?
numb.
my body feels lifeless and weighted down.
all the buildings are empty, quiet and dark.
it's easy to forget that some other parts of the world
i'm only willing to skim the surface in this mode. anything deeper
reach out, stuff in.
as part of me already knows, the food does not end up fixing anything.
i leave the kitchen feeling worse than before.
i'm not hungry but i crave something to fill me up and give me satisfaction.
the same voice that says FUCK ME, FILL ME,
i don't care about anything.
i don't care about myself.
i know i can trace much of this back to my sugar addiction.
how long will this continue?
maybe i could make a choice to turn this around and become more present.
it feels like trying to walk up a vertical mountain slope.
against a full-force
wind.
imagination.
i am separate.
yesterday i had some moments of consciously shifting my mind's scope
i can trust that i am capable, on some level, of contact. of asking for it
myself.
My dreams have been intense lately. Mom and
Phoebe make frequent appearances. I felt compelled to start posting my dreams online again at the beginning of this year. I had gone for quite a long time without even writing them down in my journal, and I started to miss them. They are an everchanging vehicle for bringing my unconscious psyche into consciousness. The longer I get into the habit of recalling them in the morning, the more I am able to remember. Leigh Ann has an amazing skill of shedding light onto dreams, digging up the real meaning behind the symbols. I like talking to her about my wacky stories.
I feel happy.
This center is
the coolest place for me to be living right now.
Dinner was delicious: cajun catfish with creole sauce, salad,
mashed potatoes, and a decadent dessert
spread, with several types of cheesecakes and brownies with chocolate ganache,
raspberry sauce and whipped cream. I connected with my table companions,
discussing buddhism, powerful leaders' sexuality, pathwork workshops,
psychotherapy, etc.
Last night we danced around the bonfire, honoring the four elements and
letting go of 2000. I threw a snakeskin into the fire, releasing my bond
to the old, comforting layer of protection and defense (my mask). Then I
also tossed a huge chunk of chocolate into the flames, vowing to let go
of my addiction to sugar; I saw it quickly melt and dissolve, illustrating
the potential for the tight block of energy in my belly and third chakra.
I pray to LET GO of my defensive mask layer that cuts me off from my
true feelings, prevents me from connecting with other people, and separates
me from my Higher Self and from God.
i sat out in the hot tub tonight under the muted light of the full moon.
drizzly mist and thin fog. i stretched out over the side of the tub, looking
up to see all the tall trees around us. my skin is still warm.
i am here, i am here
i am here to affirm
i am a child of god
learning how to love
- rambles -