facing what I've avoided
Mimi as a guru
late to church
the cycle of abuse
FIN
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facing what I've avoided
I am in a house. I look out the window and see that Carolyn has pulled up in the driveway and is now coming up the stairs to visit the person who lives in this house. At first I want to run out the backdoor or hide; I haven't kept in touch with her, even though I said I'd write. I look down the winding stairway that she's climbing to get to my floor. I decide to see her. "Carolyn!" I call down to her. She looks up. When she gets upstairs, I see that she has lost a lot of weight. She's hesitant. I get up and hug her.
Mimi as a guru
NEXT, I hear that a bunch of people are going to visit Mimi. She's a spiritual guru with lots of followers (many of whom are my age), and she's now sick. I decide to go with them. I cross a big grassy green lawn, climbing a hill to her house. I get inside and see Mimi sitting behind a big table. Clary Sage is sitting at the table too, but her back is to me; I can just see her short strawberry-blonde spiky hair.
late to church
NEXT, I'm going to church with a friend who goes regularly. We are late, so when we enter the big gym-like church, the service has already begun, and everyone is already sitting in the rows of chairs. There is a big wide open area in the middle. We have to tiptoe across, and everyone looks at us. When we get to the other side, we stop at a place where a young woman is selling necklaces. They're made of beads, and there are about five different styles, each showing a level of how much you believe in God and/or how much money you paid. I buy one [though I can't remember which level it represented]. We find empty seats and sit down.
the cycle of abuse
NEXT, I'm in a bedroom with a young boy who is my friend. He is a version of E.G. As I talk to him, I am not myself; I lapse from an omniscient perspective (watching someone else interact with him) to the view of a person who is his friend with a more powerful role, having dominance in the balance of their relationship. That person is abusive. E. has been abused repeatedly; this abuse has caused him to lose touch with his real self, putting up a thick wall of defense. Thus it seems like he is not really 100% there, almost like he's mentally retarded or something. As I'm talking to him, he's making me feel frustrated, so I yell at him, manipulatively putting him down. This verbal abuse causes him to retreat further into his shell, becoming a blank personality. This makes me feel guilty but also angry, keeping the cycle going. He's obviously been abused his whole life, severely and permanently damaging who he is as a person. FIN
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