dreams: October 22, 1998
abuse has generational patterns
Phoebe
and I are in a room together (it looks like the living room of John's
house). She spills some white bubbly stuff on the dark green carpet.
It is some potent chemical. She doesn't do anything about the accident.
I tell her to clean it up. She grabs a nearby blanket to wipe it with,
and I quickly yell for her to stop, for I don't want her to get the
chemical on the blanket. I'm frustrated. She then reaches for a
stuffed animal, about to wipe up her stain with it; I scream, "NO!" I'm
really angry at Phoebe, feeling like she's being inconsiderate, stupid,
and irresponsible. I scream insults at her. I grab her and throw her
on the ground. (She's a young version of Phoebe, how she used to be at
about 10 years old.) I'm hitting her. Then I stop and realize I'm acting
just like Mom acted with me when I was younger. I'm being totally
abusive and power-hungry, not afraid to take it out on someone else.
I feel really awful and remorseful. Phoebe is a hurt little girl,
in pain and abandonment, without comfort or stability. I just want
to hold her and love her now.
free plastic surgery
NEXT, I'm at school, in line for plastic surgery. A woman from
the administrative staff is explaining that any student who wants to
can get a free operation, paid for by some insurance measure of
Swarthmore's. The couples get
to go first (any boyfriend/girlfriend pairs). I'm kind of disgusted
that everyone is getting it done. They're all talking about what parts
of they're faces they want to change. Yet I get in line anyway, feeling
like I need to take advantage of the opportunity since it's free.
a house of odd relationships
NEXT, I'm sitting on the front porch of the
house.
Tom Foley arrives with a huge group of people. They're his family,
all his relatives. They file into the house, all speaking with
Irish and British accents. There are lots of old grandfathers and
grandmothers. It's a weekend celebration, with everyone staying here
together. The house is extra huge, with many stories. I go up to the
top floor, my room, which has a bathroom and then a bedroom [it looks
like the stairway and upstairs room of Mom's old house on 2nd St.]. I
walk in and hear Howard and Laurie H.'s voices. She works for him. I
make myself heard so they'll know I'm here. When I walk forward into
the room, I see they're both on the bed, lying down in a sexual
embrace. They don't stop anything when they see me.
Then I'm on another floor. It's huge. I realize I'm in
Mom's house [not anything like Beach St.]; she owns this place with
her husband. This room belongs to Mom's step-daughter. There is
a fitness/exercise room with many machines, a stationary bike, a
treadmill, etc. A young woman (late teens) is in the room. She has
dark full hair and a tiny, skinny body. Her room has lots of mirrors
and makeup and women's magazines. I ask her about what she thinks of
her stepmom, but she doesn't want to talk to me.
Then I'm on the beach with a group of people from the house.
Mom comes
walking up from behind, wrapped in a brown blanket. I hear some of the
women comment about how everyone knows that she is totally crazy. She
is the first wife of the guy who owns the house; they're still married,
but he's with a new woman -- Mom just stays in her section of the house,
regarded as the madwoman. Mom runs up to the front of the group and
pulls her blanket open to reveal her body (to the man?). She wants
everyone to see her. She just stands there naked. I have a videocamera
in my hand, and I'm taping the whole event. I make sure to film her
body. She's slim, with small, sagging breasts.
- FIN -