dreams: December 2, 1999


frenetic energy

I'm a medium, and spirits are passing through me. I feel a smorgasborg of emotions and sensations on my body. Shari Bloom pops up several times, and her energy feels like a contrast to mine. She is very outward-focused, watching everything going on around her, trying to pull in the attention towards her. It seems ungrounded to me.


back in Brazil, full of emotional turmoil

Nooshi and I are sitting in a dark bedroom (my dorm room?) on a wide bed that is low to the ground. We are talking about Toby Carrier, since he has two older brothers who went to Swarthmore College. They've both already graduated. Nooshi tells me that they were both absolutely gorgeous, tan, California guys. We are speculating what it must be like for Toby to be their younger brother -- how he feels in that role. We are looking at a photo of Toby; he's sitting back, looking at the camera, wearing a cowboy hat.

Then I walk into another room. There is a shelf of free shoes that the other people who live here want to get rid of. There are some black high-heels, lots of men's shoes, and white high-heels. I don't want any of them. I see a strange pair of platform heels that are actually just two blocks of wood connected by pieces of metal wiring; they have weird negative vibes. A couple girls walk in with another box of shoes.

We're in a kitchen. Two Brazilian women walk in, and one of them announces that we will be having a dinner in honor of Madrinha Rita. The woman who didn't speak actually is Madrinha Rita herself (though she looks exactly like Madrinha Julia). So we all start helping out in the kitchen, getting things ready for the dinner. I'm standing at the counter chopping something. I look out the window above the sink; it looks out into an alcoved courtyard area leading up the backdoor of this house. I see Toni Dileo and Django walking up to the house with some other people. A moment later Django walks in the door, saying hello to everyone; his hair is long, pulled back into a ponytail. He turns his head and sees me. We have a moment of Aha! I pretend to be surprised to see him, though I knew I would see him after glimpsing him through the window.

Everyone has an assignment for this dinner, since it's a special occasion (like Thanksgiving). Everyone is given the name of someone else who is going to be eating here, and we are supposed to make a card describing that person. Because each card will then be placed at a setting on the table for another special exercise. The name I get is Jade Netanya (Raga's friend). I was given instructions to write my description on a very particular object: a piece of fern/root/plant growing in a spring in the next room. I try to pull it out of the fountain, but water sprays everywhere when I accidentally detach a piece of the tube where the water flows. I can't figure out how to get the green piece of planting. I'm getting frustrated. So I decide to simply on something else instead. Nearby is a table covered with big pink rose petals. I take one and use a red pen to try to write "Out of her ears comes wisdom." But it's not working, because the fine-tipped pen rips the delicate rose petal. I try again on another rose petal, but it does the same thing.

Now I'm getting very upset and frustrated. Everyone else is already seated in the kitchen. John comes in to help me. I ask what's going on in the other room. John says they're patiently waiting for me. I freak out and lose it, unable to handle the stress (that I'm creating for myself). I throw myself into a nearby bed and say that I'm not joining them -- that they should all go on without me. I have a strong wave of upsetting emotions wash over me [which totally remind me of how I felt in Mapia the first couple weeks]. I want to lock myself in isolation because I feel like I'm a failure, and communication with words does not work for me, so I can't connect with other people. Suddenly I feel like I'm a medium for other spirits that are coming through me. I'm screaming and crying (talking in another language?).

Time has gone by, and it's now night, after the dinner. Everyone else in the house is asleep. I tiptoe into the kitchen. I see a big metal tin sitting on a table that has lots of leftover muffins in it. There are two small cards that identify the two types of muffins: one is lemon poppyseed, and the other is anise ____ (the name has some other exotic gourmet ingredients). They look similar, as both are a bluish color with lots of little dark blue seeds, but the latter kind of muffin has smaller seeds. I pull off some muffin to try, but then I hear some people coming in. I don't want them to see me eating because it brings on guilt.


Middle Eastern prostitution, a racetrack, and Anna Winthrop

I'm in an indoor marketplace in the Middle East with Mom and phoebe. We are walking around looking at the exotic things for sale. Then Mom pulls us into a little room to do a negotiation with a dark-haired man. We are trying to get a rug and shoes. Somehow the deal has to do with selling our bodies, like prostitution. It's scary.

Then I'm at an indoor racetrack where people are running around in sprints and races.

Then I'm in a room full of chairs. A man and woman are in the front of the room giving a lecture, pointing to various large colorful displays that they've posted up on the wall. It has something to do with how to dance. At a certain point the students sitting in the chairs start to leave. Finally I'm almost the only one left watching. I look over to my left and see another young woman still here. I realize she is Anna Winthrop. She looks over at me, and we are happy to see each other, waving hello.


John visits me in NYC

I'm in an apartment in New York City. I'm talking to a Swattie [I don't know his name, but he's the tall blonde guy who always wears headphones wherever he goes]. We are talking about where we are from. I can tell he's from NYC.

My family is going to be arriving soon, which I'm really looking forward to. Then John walks in the room. I see Mark D'Olivo for just a flash of a moment (just his elbow and shoulder, in a red & white pinstriped shirt), but then he dashes into the next room before saying hello to anyone here. I think he's scared to see me. I'm disappointed to find out that Mom didn't come here after all.

I bring John over to the small square table against the wall where two people are sitting. "John, this is Chris. Chris, John," I say, motioning to the blonde man sitting on the right side of the table [not the Swattie from before]. There is a black Swattie girl sitting on the other side of the table, yet I can't remember her name. I have a second of stress because I know I should know her name, since I know her. There is a moment of silence. Then she introduces herself to John, saying her name is Lukia _____. [She is a young woman, rather heavy, who's in African dance this semester.] She stretches back, yawning.

I hug John. My feet are on his feet (like how we would play when I was a little girl). He walks me over into the next room. It feels smooth, like we're dancing. I see that I have already logged in -- I typed my email address into his chest, which is electronically rigged, like everyone these days.

- FIN -


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