dreams: May 5, 1999
I'm on the sidelines of a football game, cheerleading with some friends for our team. It's now late at night (early in the morning even), and the stadium is rather empty and dark. Finally it ends and we all leave. There is going to be another game the next day, so we only have a few hours to sleep.
cheerleading for Troy and finding God in the familyTroy is on the team. He and I are on the porch of a house that overlooks the ocean, hanging off a cliff-like beach setting. It is now very early in the morning, before the sun has risen. I can see the white foamy waves crashing below. We are talking about the game tomorrow. We go lie down together on a wide flat porch bannister (one that is perpendicular to the house, on the left as I'm facing out). Troy has his shoulders and head up against the wall of the house, his body facing up, while I'm lying on top of him, my head on his chest. He's holding me in his arms. I feel comforted like a baby. Our connection seems natural, and it's apparent right now that we've known each other for a long time. I move my legs around to make sure I'm not hanging off the edge of the porch, since there's a long drop to the beach below. I see Troy open his lips, and then we start to kiss; yet I suddenly realize that my mouth is full of M&Ms. I don't want him to know, so I quickly stop, turning my head away. I don't want him to hear me chewing, which is quite difficult, so I just lie there, still and uncomfortable.
Then we both get up, and I walk into the house. All my relatives from Mom's side are staying here. We're using this house for our family gathering. We are also the cheerleading squad for the football team. It's still early in the morning, and the place is quiet, with only a few people up. The house is very small and stylishly quaint, with very few rooms and lots of interesting furniture and decorations. Mom is in the kitchen doing some stuff. I look at a list of all the relatives who will be here for the big meal that she wrote out. It lists a few names, and then I see "God," which catches my eye. I also see a bunch of Biblical names (people that aren't in the family), one starting with "Z." Mom mentions something about Mary trying to be here with us.
I go into a bedroom; Granny (or Momier?) is here, and we hug. Phoebe and another girl our age (a cousin?) are here too. I look down and see that the whole front part of my dark shirt is covered with little hairs, like I just got a haircut or something. I realize that it's maybe from the hug. Everyone is wearing a cute white dress. Phoebe goes to the closet and shows me that there is only one left, and it's for me, whereas they got to choose which ones they wanted. The one she holds up for me looks tight and uncomfortable, a fakey-looking satin, and I don't like the style at all. They're wearing beautiful cotton ones. I'm frustrated. I make some snappy remarks. Then I realize that I'm acting like a bitch. I think about how I don't need to get attached to material possessions -- that it doesn't really matter.
I really need to just take a moment and be by myself. A breather to sit and meditate and clear my thoughts. I have a lot of emotions getting fired up, and I want to deal with them. I feel upset and angry. I'm walking around the house trying to find an empty space, yet all the rooms are filled. I see another house outside, and I am tempted to go meditate there.
- FIN -
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