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-=-A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Proverbs and Sayings Other-=-

The world is new to us every morning—this is God's gift; and every man should believe he is reborn each day.

—Baal Shem Tov
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It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
—Roger Babson
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In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty percent of publicity.
—Lauren Bacall
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Here is a test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't.
—Richard Bach
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.
—Richard Bach
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If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and heartbeats.
—Richard Bach
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If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.
—Richard Bach
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The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.
—Richard Bach
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The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
—Richard Bach
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You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
—Richard Bach
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Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound. Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers change.
—Richard Bach
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A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
—Burt Bacharach
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Acorns were good until bread was found.
—Francis Bacon
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Rebellions of the belly are the worst.
—Francis Bacon
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Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested.
—Francis Bacon
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The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
—Francis Bacon
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There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.
—Francis Bacon
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They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea.
—Francis Bacon
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The only thing that's been a worse flop than the organization of non-violence has been the organization of violence.
—Joan Baez
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You don't get to choose how you're going to die, or when. You can only decide how you're going to live now.
—Joan Baez
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It is good to be without vices, but it is not good to be without temptations.
—Walter Bagehot
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The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
—Walter Bagehot
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We have phasers, I vote we blast 'em!
—Bailey, "The Corbomite Maneuver," "Star Trek"
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A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for not going to church on Sunday.
—Russell Baker
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Don't try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.
—Russell Baker
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In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's beloved.
—Russell Baker
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Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories—those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
—Russell Baker
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Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.
—Russell Baker
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Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
—Russell Baker
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People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.
—Russell Baker
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People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.
—Russell Baker
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The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him.
—Russell Baker
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Usually, terrible things that are done with the excuse that progress requires them are not really progress at all, but just terrible things.
—Russell Baker
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I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it after the IRS.
—Robert Bakker, paleontologist
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Be careful what you set your heart upon—for it will surely be yours.
—James Baldwin
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Nobody is more dangerous than he who imagines himself pure in heart; for his purity, by definition, is unassailable.
—James Baldwin
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The future is like heaven—everyone exalts it, but no one wants to go there now.
—James Baldwin
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The writer's greed is appalling. He wants, or seems to want, everything and practically everybody, in another sense, and at the same time, he needs no one at all.
—James Baldwin
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A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
—Stanley Baldwin
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Nostalgia is a seductive liar.
—George Ball
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The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
—Lucille Ball
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Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
—Honore de Balzac
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It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty things from time to time.
—Honore de Balzac
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Marriage must incessantly contend with a monster that devours everything: familiarity.
—Honore de Balzac
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No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
—Honore de Balzac
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The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance of the woman.
—Honore de Balzac
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Virtue, perhaps, is nothing more than politeness of soul.
—Honore de Balzac
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Beer: propellant of situations.
—Willa Bandler
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I'm as pure as the driven slush.
—Tallulah Bankhead
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If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
—Tallulah Bankhead
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It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
—Tallulah Bankhead
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Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
—Tallulah Bankhead
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You didn't jump in the river. How sensible of you.
—Mrs. Banks to Mr. Banks, "Mary Poppins"
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Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.
—Buckaroo Banzai
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God has been replaced, as he has all over the West, with respectability and air conditioning.
—Imamu Amiri Baraka
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Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone.
—Fred Barling
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The people who make money the be-all and end-all of their lives are always punished for it by being exceptionally boring individuals.
—Robert Barnard
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Every crowd has a silver lining.
—P. T. Barnum
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Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
—Roseanne Barr
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In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, "Sorry, we're open."
—Roseanne Barr
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Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
—J. M. Barrie
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I know not, sir, whether Bacon wrote the works of Shakespeare, but if he did not it seems to me that he missed the opportunity of his life.
—J. M. Barrie
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Life is a long lesson in humility.
—J. M. Barrie
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Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
—J. M. Barrie
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Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
—Dave Barry
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An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote excellence:

"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."

—Dave Barry
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Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?

Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand-lettered small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.

—Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
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Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something? My wife is available. No. How about..."
—Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
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Falling in Love
When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately, these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a good idea to check with your doctor.
—Dave Barry
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Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon."
—Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
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...I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses...
—Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning Points in l'Amour"
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Harvard University, according to the directory of the American Society of Colleges and Universities, is a "type of weevil."
—Dave Barry
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I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."

Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:

* "Moby Dick": Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize nature and will kill you.
* "A Tale of Two Cities": French people are crazy.

—Dave Barry
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If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
—Dave Barry
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In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this change? One big factor, of course, is that people are a lot stupider than they used to be, although we here in the newspaper industry would never say so in print.
—Dave Barry
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Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
—Dave Barry
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Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
—Dave Barry
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Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism.
—Dave Barry
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The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of an infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will automatically choose to save the infant, without even considering if there's a man on base.
—Dave Barry
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The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
—Dave Barry
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The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?
—Dave Barry
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The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose," which is also sometimes called "grape sugar," and also because "Grape Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel," which is what it tastes like.
—Dave Barry
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The Three Major Kind of Tools

* Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, bludgeons, and truncheons.)

* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)

* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)

—Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
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There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
—Dave Barry
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Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
—Dave Barry
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We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
—Dave Barry
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What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
—Dave Barry
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What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
—Dave Barry
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Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
—Dave Barry
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Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
—John Barrymore's dying words
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Every man has a right to be wrong in his opinions. But no man has a right to be wrong in his facts.
—Bernard Baruch
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Two things are bad for the heart—running up stairs and running down people.
—Bernard Baruch
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Computer, display morning.
—Dr. Bashir, "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine"
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Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.
—Marston Bates
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Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're leading the parade.
—Bill Battie
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I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm way too high."
—Bruce Baum
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Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
—L. Frank Baum, "The Wizard of Oz"
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Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
—The Beach Boys
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The horns came riding in like the rainbow masts of silver ships.
—Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
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The unicorn lived in a lilac wood, and she lived all alone. She was very old, though she did not know it, and she was no longer the careless color of sea foam, but rather the color of snow falling on a moonlit night. But her eyes were still clear and unwearied, and she still moved like a shadow on the sea.
—Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
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Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
—Louise Beal
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Speaking of bookstores, check out the new, TGIF-approved Trinity Church bookstore, launched with a blessing from the Rev. Samuel Lloyd last Sunday. It's really more like a gift shop, with CDs of the superb Trinity choir and oddities like the Holy Smokes! firestarters ("Made from used church candles: 30 per cent Lutheran, 30 per cent Catholic, 40 per cent all others. ... An Ecumenical Blend") that belong under every tree during the ineluctable holiday season.
—Alex Beam, TGIF columnist
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If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
—Paul Beatty
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If a thing isn't worth saying, you sing it.
—Pierre Beaumarchais
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It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them.
—Pierre Beaumarchais
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To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job.
—Simone de Beauvoir
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What is an adult? A child blown up by age.
—Simone de Beauvoir
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A boy is a magical creature—you can lock him out of your workshop, but you can't lock him out of your heart.
—Allan Beck
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Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
—Bob "Mountain" Beck
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All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
—Samuel Beckett
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We are all born mad. Some remain so.
—Samuel Beckett
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New York...Babylon-on-the-Hudson, sinful, extravagant, full of the nervous hilarity of the doomed.
—Lucius Beebe
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A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it.
—Sir Thomas Beecham
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Brass bands are all very well in their place—outdoors and several miles away.
—Sir Thomas Beecham
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A church debt is the devil's salary.
—Henry Ward Beecher
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He is greatest whose strength carries up the most hearts by the attraction of his own.
—Henry Ward Beecher
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If a man cannot be a Christian in the place where he is, he cannot be a Christian anywhere.
—Henry Ward Beecher
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Now comes the mystery.
—Henry Ward Beecher, dying words
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Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
—Max Beerbohm
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What you are, you are by accident of birth; what I am, I am by myself. There are and will be a thousand princes; there is only one Beethoven.
—Ludwig van Beethoven
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Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
—Brendan Behan
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The most important things to do in this world are to get something to eat, something to drink and somebody to love you.
—Brendan Behan
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When I came back to Dublin I was court-martialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
—Brendan Behan
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Money speaks sense in a language all nations understand.
—Aphra Behn
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It is really asking too much of a woman to expect her to bring up her husband and her children too.
—Lilian Bell
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You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write.
—Saul Bellow
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A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
—Robert Benchley
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An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.
—Robert Benchley
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Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
—Robert Benchley
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As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.
—Robert Benchley
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Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
—Robert Benchley
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Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.
—Robert Benchley
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Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous...
—Robert Benchley
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I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
—Robert Benchley
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It took me 15 years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
—Robert Benchley
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The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
—Robert Benchley
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
—John Benfield
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Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.
—Ernest Benn
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I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that I have never made one.
—James Gordon Bennett
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I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
—Jack Benny
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Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.
—Bernard Berenson
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A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.
—Ingrid Bergman
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Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
—Ingrid Bergman
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A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
—Milton Berle
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Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
—Hector Berlioz
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Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
—Jeff Berner
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A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
—Yogi Berra
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How can you think and hit at the same time?
—Yogi Berra
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It's like deja vu all over again.
—Yogi Berra
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So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
—Yogi Berra
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A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Academe, n.
An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
Academy, n. [from academe]
A modern school where football is taught.
—Ambrose Bierce
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Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created."
"This is true," He replied.
"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
"What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the right to make his laws?"
"Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make his own."
It was so granted.
—Ambrose Bierce
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Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Cabbage: A...vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron—namely, that he is a blockhead.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Conservative, n: a statesman who is enamoured of existing evils, as distinguished from a Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Coward, n.: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Education, n.: That which discloses the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Egotism, n: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
—Ambrose Bierce
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Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Hippogriff, n.: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.
—Ambrose Bierce
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Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man—who has no gills.
—Ambrose Bierce
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Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.
—Ambrose Bierce
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Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
—Ambrose Bierce
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Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Pray: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
—Ambrose Bierce
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Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.
—Ambrose Bierce
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Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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The covers of this book are too far apart.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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Yankee, n: In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our Union, a New Englander. In the Southern States the word is unknown. (See DAMYANK.)
—Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
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No man is a hero to his valet.
—Anne-Marie Bigot de Cornuel
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Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
—Josh Billings
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Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
—Josh Billings
%
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
—Josh Billings
%
If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself.
—Josh Billings
%
The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.
—Josh Billings
%
You are so five minutes ago!
—Melissa Binde '98
%
Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you fall flat on your face.
—Dr. L. Binder
%
The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to them were fishermen.
—Arthur Binstead
%
He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
—Bion
%
Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.
—Joey Bishop
%
When a man says that he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn't the slightest intention of putting it into practice.
—Otto Furst von Bismarck
%
If nothing else works, a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through.
—Blackadder
%
Blackadder: Right, Baldrick, let's try again, shall we? This is called adding. If I have two beans, and then I add two beans, what do I have?
Baldrick: Some beans.
Blackadder: Yes...and no. Let's try again, shall we? I have two beans, then I add two more beans. What does that make.
Baldrick: A very small casserole.
Blackadder: Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try again. One, two, three, four. So how many are there?
Baldrick: Three.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: And that one.
Blackadder: Three...and that one. So if I add that one to the three, what will I have?
Baldrick: Some beans.
Blackadder: Yes. To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was something that just happened to other people, wasn't it?
—"Blackadder"
%
This is a different thing. It's spontaneous, and it's called wit.
—Blackadder
%
It is better that ten guilty persons escape than one innocent suffer.
—Sir William Blackstone
%
A robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all Heaven in a rage.
—William Blake
%
A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent.
—William Blake
%
He who desires, but acts not, breeds pestilence.
—William Blake
%
It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.
—William Blake
%
To generalize is to be an idiot.
—William Blake
%
If I ever get around to writing that language depompisifier, it will change almost all occurrences of the word "paradigm" into "example" or "model."
—Herbie Blashtfalt
%
A person who trusts no one can't be trusted.
—Jerome Blattner
%
Credit...is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
—James Blish
%
Behind almost every woman you ever heard of stands a man who let her down.
—Naomi Bliven
%
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
—Arthur Bloch
%
I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my shelf.
—Robert Bloch
%
The first sign of a nervous breakdown is when you start thinking your work is terribly important.
—Milo Bloom
%
The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word processor," I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
—Roy Blount, Jr.
%
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But...when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
—Steve Bluestone
%
It is surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions.
—Robert Bly
%
That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong.
—William J. H. Boetcker
%
If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius—it wasn't a hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
—Neil Bogart
%
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a narrow field.
—Niels Bohr
%
Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think.
—Niels Bohr
%
No, no, you're not thinking, you're just being logical.
—Niels Bohr
%
Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.
—Niels Bohr
%
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
—Niels Bohr
%
We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.
—Niels Bohr
%
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
—Derek Bok
%
All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
—Erma Bombeck
%
Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Education is so important when it comes to domesticity. I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" "Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" "Wasn't there any change?"
—Erma Bombeck
%
For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on."
—Erma Bombeck
%
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
—Erma Bombeck
%
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
—Erma Bombeck
%
I don't know when pepper mills in a restaurant got to be right behind frankincense and myrrh in prominence. It used to be in a little jar that sat next to the salt on the table and everyone passed it around, sneezed, and it was no big deal.
—Erma Bombeck
%
I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
—Erma Bombeck
%
I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
—Erma Bombeck
%
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
—Erma Bombeck
%
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
—Erma Bombeck
%
I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture.
—Erma Bombeck
%
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
—Erma Bombeck
%
I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week.
—Erma Bombeck
%
I've decided life is too fragile to finish a book I dislike just because it cost $16.95 and everyone else loved it. Or eat a fried egg with a broken yolk (which I hate) when the dog would leap over the St. Louis Arch for it.
—Erma Bombeck
%
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
—Erma Bombeck
%
I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying "Open!" was never a big deal, but holding that television tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the Iacocca in me.
—Erma Bombeck
%
It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: "THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE." Loosely translated, this means, "You're on your own, Bernice."
—Erma Bombeck
%
Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And for what!
—Erma Bombeck
%
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Mother's words of wisdom: "Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!"
—Erma Bombeck
%
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
—Erma Bombeck
%
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
—Erma Bombeck
%
Myths that need clarification: "Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach." False. The only people who live on California beaches are vacationers from Arizona, Utah, and Nevada who own condos.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Myths that need clarification: "No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears." False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Never have more children than you have car windows.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
—Erma Bombeck
%
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
—Erma Bombeck
%
No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
—Erma Bombeck
%
On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
—Erma Bombeck
%
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Phrases and their actual meanings: "My teacher has never liked me." Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
—Erma Bombeck
%
The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?"
—Erma Bombeck
%
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
—Erma Bombeck
%
There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
—Erma Bombeck
%
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
—Erma Bombeck
%
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
—Erma Bombeck
%
When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty "just adding water." Now I want to bang the tube against the countertop and have a five-course meal pop out. If it comes with plastic silverware and a plate that self-destructs, all the better.
—Erma Bombeck
%
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
—Erma Bombeck
%
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
—Erma Bombeck
%
A man will fight harder for his interests than for his rights.
—Napoleon Bonaparte
%
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
—Napoleon Bonaparte
%
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
—Napoleon Bonaparte
%
If you wish to be a success in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing.
—Napoleon Bonaparte
%
In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
—Napoleon Bonaparte
%
Men take only their needs into consideration—never their abilities.
—Napoleon Bonaparte
%
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
—Napoleon Bonaparte
%
Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
—Napoleon Bonaparte
%
The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.
—Napoleon Bonaparte
%
Outer space is no place for a person of breeding.
—Lady Violet Bonham Carter
%
The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children.
—Dietrich Bonhoeffer
%
It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.
—Margaret Bonnano
%
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
—Elayne Boosler
%
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
—Elayne Boosler
%
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
—Elayne Boosler
%
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.
—Daniel J. Boorstin
%
I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.
—James Boren
%
When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
—James Boren
%
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
—Nathaniel Borenstein
%
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
—Victor Borge
%
For most folks, no news is good news; for the press, good news is not news.
—Gloria Borger
%
I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library.
—Jorge Luis Borges
%
Nothing is built on stone; all is built on sand, but we must build as if the sand were stone.
—Jorge Luis Borges
%
Nothing is lasting but change; nothing perpetual but death.
—Ludwig Börne
%
Only the suppressed word is dangerous.
—Ludwig Börne
%
Personifiers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
—Bernadette Bosky
%
A year earlier, Hiller was at the center of a famous episode in Boston politics, refereeing a dramatic mini-debate between Raymond L. Flynn and David Finnegan. Flynn, infuriated by a Finnegan ad labeling him a political chameleon snapped, "You called me a lizard, David!"
—"The Boston Globe"
%
Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them.
—Dion Boucicault
%
It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated.
—Alec Bourne
%
The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella,
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
—Lord Bowen
%
I'm an instant star. Just add water and stir.
—David Bowie
%
Government is too big and too important to be left to the politicians.
—Chester Bowles
%
Sometimes a man will tell his bartender things he'll never tell his doctor.
—Dr. Phillip Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), "Star Trek"
%
There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool.
—L. M. Boyd
%
I hate
this wretched willow soul of mine,
patiently enduring, plaited or twisted
by other hands.
—Karin Boye, Swedish poet
%
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
—Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
%
Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, the same can be said of dirt.
—Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
%
I take the view, and always have, that if you cannot say what you are going to say in twenty minutes you ought to go away and write a book about it.
—Lord Brabazon
%
Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down.
—Ray Bradbury
%
We are an impossibility in an impossible universe.
—Ray Bradbury
%
You don't have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them.
—Ray Bradbury
%
Bravery is the capacity to perform properly even when scared half to death.
—Omar Bradley
%
If what I do prove well, it won't advance.
They'll say it's stolen, or else it was by chance.
—Anne Bradstreet
%
God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
—William Bragg
%
Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for
—Harriet Braiker
%
Truth requires a maximum effort to see through the eyes of strangers, foreigners, and enemies.
—Taylor Branch
%
"I'm dying," he croaked.
"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted .
"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
"The fire is going out," he bellowed.
"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
"You snake," she rattled.
"Someone's at the door," she chimed.
"Company's coming," she guessed.
"Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
—Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
%
There's no fool like an old fool—you can't beat experience.
—Jacob Braude
%
Grub first, then ethics.
—Bertolt Brecht
%
War is like love; it always finds a way.
—Bertolt Brecht
%
What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?
—Bertolt Brecht
%
Why be a man when you can be a success?
—Bertolt Brecht
%
The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism.
—Norman Brenner
%
Football is a game designed to keep coal miners off the streets.
—Jimmy Breslin
%
Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
—Austen Briggs
%
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
—Ashleigh Brilliant
%
As long as I have you there is just one other thing I'll always need: tremendous self-control.
—Ashleigh Brilliant
%
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
—Ashleigh Brilliant
%
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
—Ashleigh Brilliant
%
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
—Ashleigh Brilliant
%
Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
—Ashleigh Brilliant
%
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
—Ashleigh Brilliant
%
My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.
—Ashleigh Brilliant
%
Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is.
—Ashleigh Brilliant
%
Sometimes I need what only you can provide—your absence.
—Ashleigh Brilliant
%
The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!
—Ashleigh Brilliant
%
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
—Ashleigh Brilliant
%
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
—Ashleigh Brilliant
%
I discovered a latent gift for libel, but never had the heart to slander real people. Anyway, real people hit, sometimes real hard. Then I found out you can lie all you want...about fictional characters! They can't gripe or sue, if you strand them in space, or marry them off to aliens, or ruin their reputations. What a deal.
—David Brin
%
The one function TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were.
—David Brinkley
%
Anybody who wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
—David Broder
%
No science is immune to the infection of politics and the corruption of power.
—Jacob Bronowski
%
An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great restraint.
As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next time." Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not generalizable.
The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile."
—Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
%
Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.
—Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along.
—Dr. Joyce Brothers
%
If Shakespeare had to go on an author tour to promote "Romeo and Juliet," he never would have written "Macbeth."
—Dr. Joyce Brothers
%
Listening, not imitation, may be the sincerest form of flattery.
—Dr. Joyce Brothers
%
Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.
—Dr. Joyce Brothers
%
Education makes a people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy to govern, but impossible to enslave.
—Lord Brougham
%
Realism...has no more to do with reality than anything else.
—Hob Broun
%
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
—A. Whitney Brown
%
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
—Helen Gurley Brown
%
He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
—John Mason Brown, drama critic
%
If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle.
—Rita Mae Brown
%
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
—Rita Mae Brown
%
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
—Rita Mae Brown
%
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
—Rita Mae Brown
%
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
—Sam Brown
%
Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.
—Matthew Browne
%
If thou must love me, let it be for naught
Except for love's sake only.
—Elizabeth Barrett Browning
%
Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
Or what's a heaven for?
—Robert Browning
%
Wad some power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us.
—Robert Browning
%
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
—Lenny Bruce
%
I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.
—Lenny Bruce
%
Take away the right to say f**k and you take away the right to say f**k the government.
—Lenny Bruce
%
History is written by those who have hanged heroes.
—Robert the Bruce in "Braveheart"
%
Entirely incidentally, a little-known fact about Shakespeare is that his father moved to Stratford-upon-Avon from a nearby village shortly before his son's birth. Had he not done so, the Bard of Avon would instead be known as the rather less ringing Bard of Snitterfield.
—Bill Bryson, "The Mother Tongue"
%
The longest word in the English language...begins methianylglutaminyl and finishes 1,913 letters later as alynalalanylthreonilarginylserase. I don't know what it is used for, though I dare say it would take some rubbing to get it out of the carpet.
—Bill Bryson, "The Mother Tongue"
%
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
—John Buchan
%
Truth is always exciting. Speak it, then, Life is dull without it.
—Pearl Buck
%
I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
—William F. Buckley
%
Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.
—William F. Buckley
%
We love your adherence to democratic principles.
—William F. Buckley
%
The only time to buy these is on a day with no "y" in it.
—Warren Buffett
%
Now this is a totally brain-damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette.
—P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
%
Coincidence is the word we use when we can't see the levers and pulleys.
—Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
%
They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and try to make everything fit it. They
—Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
%
It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents—except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
—Lord Bulwer-Lytton
%
I'm still an atheist, thank God.
—Luis Bunuel
%
Listen, let's not fool ourselves, okay? If it walks like a duck, if it talks like a duck, if it sounds like a duck, it's a Palestinian state.
—Avraham Burg, Israel's parliament speaker
%
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
—Anthony Burgess
%
Linen underwear feels great! But it's not the same thing as owning your own cow.
—Professor Timothy Burke, on the textile industry of early Europe
%
Maybe it's not so bad down here in the belly of the beast. It's warm. I like the color pink.
—Professor Timothy Burke, on consumer culture
%
She-Ra never got to kick as much ass as He-Man did.
—Professor Timothy Burke
%
I am ashamed of confessing that I have nothing to confess.
—Fanny Burney
%
Traveling is the ruin of all happiness! There's no looking at a building after seeing Italy.
—Fanny Burney
%
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.
—George Burns
%
Burns' Hog-Weighing Method:
(1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a sawhorse.
(2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
(3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again perfectly balanced.
(4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
—Robert Burns
%
While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
—Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman," 1792
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Never do today what you can do tomorrow. Something may occur to make you regret your premature action.
—Aaron Burr
%
A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on.
—William Burroughs
%
Language is a virus from outer space.
—William Burroughs
%
The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself.
—Sir Richard F. Burton
%
I gotta tell you, it's hard for some of us to make a living these days. The days when my ancestors could serve as an archery blind, give revelations to prophets, and shelter elves are past.
—Fred Bush '98
%
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
—Nicholas Murray Butler
%
A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
—Samuel Butler
%
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
—Samuel Butler
%
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.
—Samuel Butler
%
Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
—Samuel Butler
%
If life must not be taken too seriously, then so neither must death.
—Samuel Butler
%
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.
—Samuel Butler
%
Life is not an exact science, it is an art.
—Samuel Butler
%
Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises.
—Samuel Butler
%
Look before you leap for as you sow, ye are like to reap.
—Samuel Butler
%
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
—Samuel Butler
%
Man is the only animal that laughs and has a state legislature.
—Samuel Butler
%
Marriage is distinctly and repeatedly excluded from heaven. Is this because it is thought likely to mar the general felicity?
—Samuel Butler
%
Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
—Samuel Butler
%
The man who lets himself be bored is even more contemptible
than the bore.
—Samuel Butler
%
"I wonder," he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
—Bastian B. Bux
%
The eleventh commandment—Thou shalt not be found out—is the only one that is virtually impossible to keep these days.
—Berta Buxton (1844-1881)
%
You will never find time for anything. If you want time you must make it.
—Charles Buxton
%
A writer only becomes a true writer by practising his craft, by experimenting constantly with language, as a great artist may experiment with clay or oils until the medium becomes second nature, to be moulded however the artist may desire.
—Christabel LaMotte (A. S. Byatt, "Possession")
%
Doing a thing well is often a waste of time.
—Robert Byrne
%
Everything is in a state of flux, including the status quo.
—Robert Byrne
%
Getting caught is the mother of invention.
—Robert Byrne
%
In order to preserve your self-respect, it is sometimes necessary to lie and cheat.
—Robert Byrne
%
Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.
—Robert Byrne
%
Partying is such sweet sorrow.
—Robert Byrne
%
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.
—Robert Byrne
%
To err is human,
To purr feline.
—Robert Byrne
%
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
—Robert Byrne
%
All who joy would win
Must share it—
Happiness was born a twin.
—Lord Byron
%
For truth is always strange; stranger than fiction.
—Lord Byron, "Don Juan," 1818
%
Oh! there is an organ playing in the street—a waltz too! I must leave off to listen.
—Lord Byron

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