Wednesday, March 25, 1998
8:40pm
Kohlberg computer lab

RAMBLE III

all i can think of is
the tight jeans
gripping my thighs
shaping my flesh into defined parameters.
i sit here
with my mind and body
separated by a million mile wedge.

unity slipped from my fingers
last friday.
how long will the blindness last?
when will i feel like living
as a connected whole again?

swinging rocking shaking bouncing
across the smooth wooden floor
of the lpac studio
for african dance class
i always get a glimmering taste
of my unexpected mental slips.
habitual hallucinations.
only known to me
i've never heard of anyone else
falling into the same hidden psychological hole.
an epileptic seizure?
tonight it went all the way
closing in on me
blurring the boundaries between
r.e.m. and wakefulness
making it hard to breath and smell.
like i was in a suffocating elevator
with my body still able to move
as if nothing was wrong
while my mind got a flash of:
middle school
black backpack pockets
and lemondrops.
the past enveloping the present without separation
closing in like an accordian.
it all drained my brain of any energy.
the only thing i wanted to do
was curl up and go to sleep:
always the post-hallucination symptom.

in mcl seminar today
i got a sudden flash
of the sneaky guilt i felt in italia
when i would ride the bike
around town
in search of ciocolatto
finding and savoring the nutella crepes
as if they were a way to consume god
and then, sitting in seminar, i realized how much ouch
is wrapped up in those memories
a time when life revolved around ceba .
how much time will need to go by
before i can honestly sit face to face
with that chunk of my existence?
a time of incredible passions
flaming luminous highs
and lows of confusion
can i learn a lesson through retrospective analysis?
or will it become
thorny bagagge
buried in the accumulating layers of my now "adult" past?

now
i'm coasting on a superficial plane
using daily timesucking necessities
to avoid:
swallowing honesty
letting go
trusting the buoyancy

my god is in my thoughts
everywhere i go.
i see my surroundings as
a social construct
a mere fabrication
that we cling to without questioning
yet when i'm pulled out of my thoughts
into interactions
i am in the structure too
clanging like an empty aluminum can
molded into the shape of our ideologies
blinded to what's at the core

i haven't slipped into the dark static base
because i know i'm still close
to my previous ecstasy of connection
the tiny first electric spark
that zapped me when i wasn't looking
which may look like a tiny milli-blip of light
in comparison to the lightning bolts that could strike me in my future
but for now it's the only thing to keep me going

i'm almost ready to take the plunge
and step on unsupported pieces of
floating ice
detached from the security of solid land.
a new place
becoming a buddhist monk
letting go of food's empty comfort
trust in my future
responsibility for my actions
real relationships
surrender


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